Self-reflection
is the willingness to learn about and understand the intricacies of your mindset,
beliefs, and life desires. That means
that you set aside time, ideally every day, to quietly and honestly delve into
the things that make up your fundamental nature and essence.
In our fast paced world, self-reflection is a valuable,
maybe a crucial, skill. It is a healthy
approach to staying informed about how well you are doing in all aspects of
your life, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Studies show that people who self-reflective on their day
are happier, more productive, make better decisions, have more connected relationships,
and less stress and suffer less burn-out than people who do did not. The benefits of self-reflection even include
reduced stress, a better understanding of your values and dreams, and more
connected relationships.
Please allow us to share an observation that we
think applies to most of us and also explains why self-reflection is
valuable. When asked about her toughest
clients, Jennifer Porter, an executive coach told us it was not inexperience
leaders. It was not leaders who think
they know it all or those that shirked responsibility or belittled others. She stated:
“The hardest
leaders to coach are those who won’t reflect — particularly leaders who won’t
reflect on themselves.
At its
simplest, reflection is about careful thought. But the kind of reflection that
is really valuable to leaders is more nuanced than that. The most useful
reflection involves the conscious consideration and analysis of beliefs and
actions for the purpose of learning. Reflection
gives the brain an opportunity to pause amidst the chaos, untangle and sort
through observations and experiences, consider multiple possible
interpretations, and create meaning. This meaning becomes learning, which can
then inform future mindsets and actions. For leaders, this “meaning making” is
crucial to their ongoing growth and development.”
Self-reflection is one sure way to tap into and focus on
the qualities that help you move forward with ease, whether that be as a
person, partner, parent, or leader. It is one of the best ways to focus on your
well-being to help yourself flourish and feel good about yourself. You totally deserve those things.
If
you are like most of us you want to feel good. In some form or another,
the world’s greatest sages will tell you that their perception of a meaningful
life, of becoming fulfilled and satisfied, is to experience a sense of
joy. Like them through self-reflection you will experience joy, too.
So, if reflection is so helpful, why do we shirk the
practice? There are several reasons.
We often reflect on our circumstances or place in this
world with “why” questions which are ineffective because they tend to focus on
mistakes or “whoa is me” negatives and force us to venture into the realm of
the unknown where everything gets jumbled together and there is no clear-cut
answer. We end up thinking dubiously
about our lives, being irritated, suspicious or sometimes fearful of the
unknown. We then regard introspection as
ineffective.
Highly
self-aware people ask, “What?” because it provides more productive focus on
objectives and future goals. Asking “what” guides us to pause to recognize what works
well, acknowledge what factors may be outside our control or may not align with
our personal values and passions. Then
we can take what we learn and use that to guide us in the future.
The
purpose of self-reflection is to learn more about our inner self to understand
our patterns of behavior, thoughts, and feelings and how they dictate our
interactions within the world around us. We do not look inward to form a judgement and conclude we are one thing or another. We look objectively to understand so we can
move forward with more awareness, attentiveness, and ease.
We are influenced by many things. That is absolutely okay. We use self-reflection to understand the
influences and how they may be affecting our attitudes and decision so we can
free ourselves from those things that do
not align with our fundamental nature.
Reflection
requires us to do things we do not typically do – slow down, be alone, be
curious, adopt a mindset of examining different perspectives, and spend time
thoughtfully evaluating our lives. We do
not recognize the immediate benefit in contributing time or effort in
reflection when compared to other uses of our time.
We
understand it can be hard to add yet one more thing to that never ending to-do list, but can virtually guarantee that a few minutes of
self-reflection is far more important to our sense of fulfillment or career
success than most other things on the list.
When busy people do not take the time to reflect on specifics of their lives
they can end up floundering or losing direction and perspective. Losing sight of what is important makes it
easy to expend energy in things that do not matter. Lack of personal reflection leaves many of us
stuck in a job or a relationship that isn’t going well.
As a
society we are fixated on the quick-fix for self-improvement. Self-reflection is not the same as
self-improvement.
Self
improvement focuses more on the external successes and qualities that we desire
in life. Self-improvement usually
requires changes in an attitude or behavior.
Self-reflection
is spending time to understanding oneself on an entirely deeper level. We are complex individuals. We use self-reflection to explore that
intricate network of internal qualities – thinking, emotions, and actions – to discover and appreciate “what makes me “me”,
what makes me tick?”
What
we do not understand is that the path to self-improvement is self-reflection. In
our “fast life” we have forgotten how rewarding it is to fully understand and
celebrate ourselves for who we are. Self-reflection
leads to self-actualization which the process of reach the best version of the
individual we wish to be, and are capable of becoming.
Introspection forces us to look at the good and not so good parts of ourselves. The process can lead to valuable insights and even breakthroughs but first we have to face the messiness of our lives, experience feelings of discomfort, vulnerability, defensiveness, and irritation. Often it forces us to take personal responsibility for those things. Instead of recognizing and accepting our weaknesses and learning from what we could have done better, we get defensive and end up trivializing the value introspection offers. That is often how people end up leading a hodge-podge and superficial kind of life.
If
you have found yourself making these same excuses, and are not convinced about the value of self-reflection,
consider these three impressions:
You look
in the mirror and instantly recognize the person you see. You examine yourself to check out your looks
and physique. You take a close look at
your hair, clothes, posture, facial expressions, and anything else you see. Based on your reflection you work on
yourself. You may get a haircut, put on
make-up, exercise, smile more, or wear different colored clothing.
But, what about the inner you? Would you recognize the reflection of your inner
self or inner beauty? Where and how do you check out those inner aspects of
you?
Self-reflection is the mirror to
your thoughts and emotions, inner beauty and wisdom.
Think
of yourself as a machine, running day and night. No one performs any maintenance checks. No one ensures that it is running smoothly or
effectively. No one inspects whether its
energy source is adequately sufficient, or barely depleted. Absolutely no one is informed about how well
this particular machine is doing. Someone
should be concerned, considering all the thinking and experiences this machine conducts. At some point won’t you just breakdown?
Self-reflection is the tool you use to
perform the maintenance check, to tap into every aspect of any experience, hone
in on the intricacies and minutiae, clarify your thinking, and keep the machine
humming along almost effortlessly.
There
are people you know and understand, yet you have never met. You have been touched in a real way by their
story. You identified with their
heartfelt moments of true emotion. You
gained insight as if they sat across from you with their heart beating as they
revealed one of their most sincere human experiences. You appreciate they shared their story,
identify with their journey, and maybe even shed a tear.
You
have a story, too! On what level, do you
truly understand your own human experience?
Your story contains facts and events.
The facts of your life you know: the years you spent in school, the
kinds of work you did, the people and places you know, the things you learned
to do, or what you enjoyed last summer. More
importantly, your story contains truths, which are the heart of your own human
experience. Truth explains what all
those facts and events mean and how they relate to your existence, decisions
and passions. Wouldn’t you like to know
those truths as intimately as you do another person’s story? Wouldn’t it be great to fully understand and
celebrate yourself on a more meaningful level?
No
one else can see you in the self-reflection mirror; no one can delve into the workings
of the inner you! No one can understand your journey. Self-reflection is one of the best ways to
focus on making yourself happy and you totally deserve that.
So
how do you engage in self-reflection? First,
of all you must accept that it may not be necessarily easy in the beginning
because you have to take charge of a few minutes of your day. You have to be intentional about
self-reflection. In essence there are four simple steps:
The
only goal of self-reflection is making you pause and examine your life
objectively – no judgement. There is no right way or perfect way. You may
need to try different methods before you find the one which works best for
you, so don't get discouraged if something doesn't work at first. In this article we’ll outline eight methods
you can try. Try those that sound
the most appealing first. Explore methods
that work for other people. When
you find an activity that you enjoy and that helps you, stick to that
activity.
Put time for you on your schedule. Your journey of self-discovery is taken in tiny steps. For self-reflection you just need a few quiet moments. The good news is it can be done anytime and anywhere. Starting with five minutes isone of the best ways to ensure you stick to the practice of doing it every day. As you become more accustomed to the activity, increase the time. In fact, you will get so in tune with your inner self you will want to spend more time in self-reflection.
Start with
questions that matter to you. Take a cue
from these examples:
Ask the question. Explore the question from different angles. If an answer does not come easily, let your thoughts percolate on the subject until your next session when you can hone in to explore again.
Tracking your insights and progress is a way to perceive
tangible growth and also to ensure your motivation. Note your responses, especially
those that were the most illuminating. You might like to review them once a
year or so. Keep in mind that your
answers are never set in stone.
They can change and grow with you over your lifetime.
Also, make notes of the days when you recognize
that what you learn through self-reflection helped guide you to cope with
stress, make some part of your life easier or achieve a goal. You will also distinguish moments when clarity
of thought, more compassion, or less negative self-talk was due to
self-reflection. You can put self-reflection
on your habit tracker.
If
you are new to self-reflection, you probably want to know what to expect and
what it looks like. Here are a few
pointers to consider.
1. You are the master
and the commander. You decide when,
where, how, what you will explore about yourself and for how long.
2. Self-reflection requires 100% honesty. You have to be earnest about your
imperfections to gain insight. It is a
private process, so there is no sense in lying to yourself. No one else needs to know what you are
thinking, saying or writing.
3. Self-reflection
is best done at a quiet time or place.
They key is to avoid interruptions and distractions
4. Self-reflection
must be a singular activity. No one else can do
it. “I am the only one that can delve into my inner self. Only I can access this
unlimited knowledge. I am the only one
that can recognize the insights and derive meaning from what I understand.”
5. If you are self-conscious in the beginning it will not take long for you to figure out that the
awkwardness morphs into awareness fairly quickly.
6. Self-reflection requires 100% honesty. You have to be earnest about your
imperfections to gain insight. It is a
private process, so there is no sense in lying to yourself. No one else needs to know what you are
thinking, saying or writing.
7. Do not pick yourself apart to find fault, criticize or judge. Your purpose is to learn about you and what makes you tick from
the inside. Self-reflection is supposed
to be constructive and beneficial. Your
reflective thoughts should be factual, curious and neutral. When you find yourself criticizing, worrying,
tormenting yourself, and dwelling on contrarily negative thoughts such as, “I
can’t believe I did such a stupid thing! Why did I do that?” it is time to take a break and try again when
you can engage with yourself without judgement.
8. Do not fear what lies deep within you.
Self-reflection results in a certain level of self-insight which can be
uncomfortable when you first begin.
Should a question make you feel uncomfortable, it is
probably an indication that the subject requires closer self-examination to
determine what that discomfort means for you. Every emotion originates from deep within and needs to be exposed. When
you are able to figure out from where your feelings stem you can more easily
detach yourself from them and move forward.
This is incredibly valuable to your growth. So be gentle with yourself and be your own
best friend.
9. There are no easy answers. Simply reading
about self-reflection or asking yourself one or two key questions in one
sitting only gives you a tiny inkling about what self-reflection really
means. Skimming for an insight does not
lead to a good understanding of what makes you tick and what makes your life
truly meaningful. That kind of wisdom
comes from meaningful thought.
10. Be patient. When examining some parts of your life, you may easily derive meaningful
insight. Conversely, it could take days
of letting your thoughts percolate on some aspects of your life and fundamental
nature before you figure it out. It
could take time to recover the missing parts of you that have been in
hiding. At the very least you may need a
few sessions of self-reflection on some subjects because any question and any
insight you explore is supposed to be surveyed from different angles and that
can spur you to another thought-provoking question and a new exciting direction.
11. Take yourself seriously – your inner feelings, doubts, every curious
thought, even the silliness is an opening to a personal revelation. You never
know what has been lying dormant within you and needs to take wings.
12. Highly self-aware people use self-talking as a
tool. They gain more from introspection
when they ask questions and explain things out loud. They speak to themselves as if they were
speaking with a friend. Self-talk helps
to slow down your thoughts so you can be more deliberate. Self-explaining can give voice to impulses of
curiosity that may otherwise remain unexplored. The act of putting your thoughts into words
can promote understanding and learning.
Again, you may feel self-conscious in the beginning. You can whisper or turn self-talk into a
melody if it helps.
13. Words have keen
effects. Even in quiet self-reflection. They have the power to energize, illuminate,
excite, brighten, heal and soothe. Anything
with this much power deserves attention Pause and carefully choose a meaningful word
to clarify the exact feelings that influence
your perception of an experience. This is especially important when you
have a positive experience because it is the positive emotions help you to find your purpose, care about others,
feel connected and take action.
Here’s an example. You might s default to saying, “I’m so happy! I mean … I’m really, really
happy! I’m on top of the world! It was a super experience that makes me so
happy!” No matter how many exclamation
marks you use, happy or super does not really identify your
emotions. There are literally a hundred
more words that are related to happy, but actually pin-point your current state
of being. I feel alive, content, excited,
jubilant, proud, overflowing, light-hearted… You get the idea.
14. Keep notes because you do not want a thought-provoking
idea to slip away or miss an opportunity to affirm what makes you “you”. There is no need for eloquent prose but do choose
meaningful words that clarify what you understand or believe about
yourself. You could include a sketch if
that works better for you to imprint your insights. Writing is a way to acknowledge your new
wisdom. You can use your notes for
encouragement, inspiration, or tracking how your answers to thought-provoking
questions change over time. It is also a
way to hold yourself accountable to the process.
15. Keep in mind that these concepts of you, your attitudes, visions,
outlooks, and passions are never set in stone.
They can change and grow with you over your lifetime. That means that it is good to keep engaging
in self-reflection to be aware of what is influencing those changes and what
other adjustments you might like to make in your life.
16. Self-reflection is most successful if you do it regularly. Let self-reflection become part of your
routine so it will be easier to stay tuned into your inner self. For example, start your day by visualizing
what you can do today to achieve your goal.
You can end your day by reviewing and thinking about what happened, what
went well and what you might have done differently. Based on what you come to understand, you may
wish to explore making an adjustment to an area of your life and set a specific
goal. When you do, make sure you perform
a self-reflection check-up to examine that area of your life again.
17. Do not hide your imperfections. You may discover a thing or two that you may
think are a blotch on your character. Maybe
you have been donning a mask, saying to yourself, “This is who I want people to
think I am.” The thing is it will be a
relief, to throw the mask away. It is
much more fulfilling to say, “This is the real me, the one that matters, and I
am proud of that person.”
18.
You may want feedback
from other people about your process or what you are learning about your own
image of yourself. Only ask people you
trust and you can be sure will be honest with you. Keep in mind that everyone has perception
filters so getting feedback from more than one person gives you better
comparison points.
19. In the beginning, maybe nothing changes outwardly, but inwardly, you will begin to feel alive, rejuvenated. You will wake up with a certain pep and assured motivation. Then outwardly, you will experience gradual change.
How will they change? Every part of your life is intertwined. Let’s look at an example. Say you decide to eat healthy and walk
more. It will not take long before you
notice that you have a better mood and more energy. An elevated frame of mind results in you
feeding your mind with the knowledge and challenge that it craves, and suddenly
you feel more confident and self-aware. You approach situations with a
different passion. You feel darn good
about your life. What you will come to
understand is that in reality there is no one on the face of the earth like
you. You offer something special to this
world whether you are aware of it yet or not.
Here
is one other observation about change that relates to your story. You already have within you all of the wisdom
you need to face the challenges in our life. Think of all the stories you have heard and read about when people have
a near death experience and they simply decide to transform their lives. They don’t take a skills course! They simply know what they should be doing and the types of things
they won’t ever waste time on. The
wisdom was inside of them just waiting to burst out.
20. Self-reflection is
not one task, that when completed you can know yourself objectively and with
finality. It is an ongoing practice, a
lifelong journey, because you are not a thing with fixed boundaries of
existence.
There are literally dozens of
ways to engage in self-reflection. Journaling
to get your thoughts and feeling out or simply assess what you are grateful for
at the end of the day; a thirty minute
walk to think about certain aspects of your life; meditation to see how your
mind wanders; or asking yourself important questions.
Before starting a session of
introspection, some people like to do deep breathing to steady their heart and
be calm. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, inhaling
and exhaling with robustness. You can feel
stress and tension melt away.
We’ll outline 8 strategies here
to get you started.
Choose a comfortable place, to
sit in silence with your thoughts for just five minutes each day. As you become tuned into your feelings and
thoughts you can extend the time to ten minutes or as long as you need. For best results, you should schedule this
time into your daily routine.
Think of some questions you
want to ask yourself routinely, daily, weekly, monthly. Take a cue from these examples.
To start your day:
Did I wake up this morning
ready to take on the day?
How might I show up today to
have the most impact?
What quality of mind do I want
to strengthen and develop today?
What will I do today to take
care of myself physically?
What step can I take today to
fulfill my greatest desire?
Before you go to sleep:
How did I feel overall today?
Did I make someone smile today?
I felt most energized when
___________
What did I do today that is
worth remembering?
What five things made me smile
today?
What three things am I grateful
for today?
You should be able to derive more than entertainment from reading. Reading, any kind of reading, requires deliberate attention and is a very effective way to learn about real-life situations, the vivid world and your inner thoughts. Authors have dedicated months, years and lifetimes to formulating ideas and writing about life experiences and lessons. In a matter of hours or days, you can read or listen to their research, well-crafted descriptions of how mankind overcomes inner turmoil, reaches for a dream, or absorbs the world around them.
Authors have dedicated months, years and lifetimes to formulating ideas and writing about life experiences and lessons. In a matter of hours or days, you can read or listen to their research, well-crafted descriptions of how mankind overcomes inner turmoil, reaches for a dream, or absorbs the world around them.
One by one, examine different aspects of your life: your health and fitness habits, work ethic, thought processes, emotional self, beliefs, hobbies, leisure time, and your passions. This is not something you will complete in one session. Spend quality time exploring each one. Moving forward once or twice a year you can perform a self-check up on these different areas of your life.
Let’s use beliefs as an example of how you get to know more about yourself: Your beliefs are not fully who you are, but they are a reference through which you interpret the world around you. Because they influence what you think and how you are functioning on a daily basis, they are a strong indicator of part of the inner you. This makes your beliefs a great place to start getting to know yourself.
Debra Kasowski, graduate of
the U of A, a member of Forbes Coaches Council, author and podcaster, is an
advocate of journaling or “Ink What you Think About”. “Reflecting on your day and noting what you
are grateful for allows you to park unproductive thoughts, discover insights and
solutions and identify areas of growth.”
Don’t forget about word choice to pinpoint your moods,
thoughts and emotions when you are writing in your journal.
In his book How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci by Michael Gelb suggests a curiosity exercise you can apply to self-reflection. It involves 4 steps and one rule.
The goal: make a list of 100 questions.
Only rule: you must create the list of questions in one sitting. No break to wander away from your list and think about it. No consulting others on what questions to put on your list.
