The Best Listeners are Disciplined in their Priorities

It is not just that they have developed skills for being good listeners; it is that they are disciplined in their priorities to:

• Clear away distractions.
• Not try to multi-task when others are speaking.
• Let others know they are listening through eye contact, facial expressions, encouraging gestures, and short verbal cues like (“Oh, Mmm-hmm, Tell me more.”).
• Not interrupt, over-talk, and never highjack the conversation.
• Create a climate of mutual understanding, respecting the perspective of others.
• Periodically ask questions that promote discovery and insight.
• Capture ideas, ask questions, and restate a message to confirm that their understanding is correct.
• Validate the feelings of the speaker and convey confidence in the speaker.

What Differentiate Average Listeners from Effective Listeners?

What differentiates average listeners from effective listeners is that the above average listener seeks to understand the substance of the message along with the body language of the speaker.   

Good listeners concentrate to comprehend well what the other person is thinking and saying.  They ask questions if they do not understand something.  They clarify statements, develop ideas, or expand the discussion with the aim of deeper understanding.  They inquire into further points of interest and probe as deeply as the speaker allows in double-checking the meaning of what was said.   Good listeners confirm or advance understanding by saying:

• Let me test my understanding. 
• Here’s what I heard you say. 
• Correct me if I’m wrong. 
• Here’s what we should focus on…

In essence good listeners are helpful listeners or partners in communication.  They evaluate all the information before determining what appropriate action they will take.

Above all, good listeners are never trapped into thinking that any listening situation is easy or ideal. They know that no two listening situations are exactly alike.    Things change, people are different, life happens around us and to us.   Good listeners are able to adjust to unusual or complex listening challenges.

We Seek out Good Listeners

As a rule, we tend to seek out a good listener when we want to bounce ideas around because:

• They create a safe environment within which a cooperative conversation takes place. 
• Feedback flows smoothly in both directions.
• Good listeners not only absorb our ideas and energy, they bounce back energy in a manner that encourages us to continue. 
• They may test assumptions or disagree, ask probing questions or open up alternative paths to consider, but they do not do so to win an argument or take over the conversation. 
• They allow differences or issues to be discussed openly with neither party becoming defensive or competitive. 
• Good listeners simply offer us feedback as encouragement and a means of helping, while making us feel better.  
• The best listeners check their ego at the door.  They are interested in other people and demonstrate that interest when we speak. They do not shift emphasis to themselves by one-upping us or hogging the stage.

For all these reasons, the best listeners have the ability to influence, persuade and negotiate.  They can effectively avoid conflict and misunderstanding and are good leaders.  

Listening is a skill.  Given all the listening that we do and the impact it has on our effectiveness on the job and on the quality of our relationships, we should want to be good at it.